This is a Story of a couple who had a Child with a strange condition. It is about acceptance and perseverance through different challenges that the couple faces with their dedication as parents to the child. The Child has a unique condition known as the Bunny Syndrome in which mysteries arouse from what has caused it. Many strange characters are after the child with their own hidden agendas but the fate of the child still lies on the supervision of his parents with the effort to give him a normal life.
Hi V. J. Thank you so much for letting me take a look at your novel Bunny Syndrome. I really like the tension you set up in the first chapter, about the Special Mutagen Serum and what it may do to a human. This is obviously the serum that will affect the child of your novel's synopsis. You do a great job creating tension. The conflict between Zorah and Crox -- her moral dilemma and his greed -- is great for moving readers forward. I also really like the sympathetic character you create in Zorah. Her friendship with the wolf, for example, makes me smile.
Unfortunately I don't believe Bunny Syndrome is ready to be approved for sale at Storyteller Alley. The major issues for me involve lack of clarity about the plot, and numerous grammatical errors throughout, including fragment sentences, misuse of capitalization, and incorrect spelling. All of this can be smoothed out with revision. You have a solid story idea and a strong potential here for conflict.
The first thing I want to suggest is that you think about who your protagonist is in this novel. Your synopsis/blurb suggests the novel will be about a boy who is born with the features of a rabbit. Based on that, I assumed the protagonist would be the boy or one of his parents. Because you open the novel with Crox and Zorah, you suggest they are the major players in the story. Cola and Travis don't make a showing until the third chapter. If Crox and Zorah are your main players, the blurb should be about their conflict. If they aren't, you may have opened your story in the wrong place. Think about who your protagonist in this story is, and consider opening your novel there. The Crox and Zorah story is interesting, but where you place it within the novel creates emphasis: opening on their tale and following it through for two chapters suggests they are the heart of the tale. My suggestion (referencing your blurb) would be to open when the conflict begins: when the baby is born with the rabbit features.
Regarding the lack of clarity within the novel itself, I found your premise a little oblique as written. What seems to be happening in the story is that Dr. Crox wants to test human subjects with his serum, to become famous, while Dr. Zorah wants to test animals. Crox feels that the humans he wants to test are criminals, but I couldn't figure out who it is he intends to test or considers criminals. The military is referenced, as well as aliens and rings of symbols -- but I couldn't understand exactly who it is he intends to harm or why, beyond testing his serum. Possibly he wants to strengthen the military with his serum? You don't want your reader guessing. You want your reader hooked by a strong conflict he or she understands and is curious enough about to follow. I would suggest you be a little more transparent with what exactly the serum is, and what the General, Zorah, and Crox are in conflict over. I would make the same argument about the paragraph that closes Chapter Two: suddenly you sum up twenty years, and as a reader, I was confused. You write tension well; I'd simply advise you to be a lot more precise about what is happening in the scene, and why the reader should read on.
I'd also advise you to make the setting more clear. Is this story happening in the present day? The future? America? You say at the beginning of the first chapter, "on a desert far away from civilization," but you say nothing further about the setting (beyond describing the desert and military base) until you mention the Forest of Metherin and Metherin City in Chapter Two. If Metherin City is a made-up place, you could still provide your reader with some grounding in place and time early in the novel. As Chapter Two closes, you suggest that twenty years have passed. As Chapter Three opens, you write, "Many months passed, somewhere on the Country-Side." It's unclear if we're still twenty years later as Chapter Three opens, or back in the scenes that began the book. I'd advise clarity. A reader likes to know where he or she is standing as a scene begins. I do like the description of the church and the children as Chapter Three opens, but I would advise some sense of place going forward. "Somewhere on the countryside" is extremely vague. Again, I'm wondering what countryside? America? Ireland? Mars? 2018? 2418? To that point, the presence of a hover board in Chapter Three is a little jolting. Readers don't like to find out three chapters in that they're in the future. On that point, you have a character in Chapter Three say "What a Bloody Marvelous arrival Travis!", which is the first indication in the novel of place. "Bloody" suggests we aren't in America. If I've been imagining America for lack of the author defining a setting, finding out in Chapter Three that I'm not in America will come as a jolt. That's why it's important to establish setting -- even quickly, in a few lines -- as the novel begins.
Lastly, there are places in the novel where exposition would strengthen a scene. For example, when Crox and Zarah are in the desert in the second chapter, you offer no indication time is passing. They seem to converse for about a minute. Then without warning, both of their camels faint, nearly at the same time, and Crox declares that they won't make it out of the desert alive. Their predicament would be more believable if you built up to it (creating valuable tension in the scene), even with a short paragraph suggesting time has passed, and they're getting hotter and hotter.
I stopped reading this novel after the first three chapters because I found the grammatical errors and lack of clarity so distracting I wouldn't read on. I think if you revise this novel you could have something so much stronger -- something to really support your premise. I hope when it's ready, you'll submit again to Storyteller Alley.
Very best wishes, V.J.
- Sarah Addison
- examples of grammatical errors -
- just got captured by the scouting Military Soldiers for Tress passing - Here you incorrectly capitalize "military soldiers" and misspell "trespassing."
''Well, what could be worst?" - This should say "worse."
I am sure your man enough to survive this. - should be you're
The Church bell rang it's bells continuously - its
Travis had a short Black Hair but a little spiky, he looks descent in his Tuxedo - decent
"On a Desert far away from civilization, where there was not, a single body of water to be found. Lay a completely dry and plain landscape of Sand."
"We are not responsible for possible casualties, their fates has been sealed and we are not responsible for the possible loss of their lives, they are criminals not innocent civilians!'
''Thank you so much for saving our lives with the kind of work we did on that base, I am not sure if we deserve to be help by someone as kind as you are.''
"Then the Wolf suddenly stopped and started sniffing the air and the traveler stopped his horse from proceeding looking back at his canine companion."
"People who try to travel anywhere near the desolate land, never survived their journey just with the intention of crossing it to the other side of the Country on another State." - "try" is present tense; "survived" is past tense.
"The Driver went out of his Truck and met with the Soldier and shows his Identification card..."
"The Main Structure is a fortress like facility, it had a huge metallic Door..."
"I rode with my Jeep as fast as I can..."
Falling back on cliché phrases:
(Try to rethink a phrase like these, so you say it in a new way.)
"On a Desert far away from civilization..." - Sounds way too much like "in a kingdom far, far away."
"burns them alive to crisp"
''So, did he also he found you from somewhere in the same way?'' Zarah asks.
"while Xarah still" - Isn't her name Zorah?
"Dr. Xara was surprised" -- again, I think this is supposed to be Zarah?
"Two soldiers immediately heard the shouting and rush to towards the General's Office..."
''Please escort this two refuse..." - ?
"Who helped him eventually and his profession caught the attention of the Chief of Medicine..." - ?
"First I need to earn you trust" - your
Unclear who is speaking:
"We are not responsible for possible casualties, their fates has been sealed and we are not responsible for the possible loss of their lives, they are criminals not innocent civilians!"
I had trouble determining in this passage which character is speaking. It appears to be Strife, but he sounds so much like Crox I became lost. You might vary the way the characters speak. That can help a reader identify the speaker when speech tags are missing. Strife and Crox and Zorah all speak the same to me. So does Nate. If you don't make clear who is speaking, your reader will have to backtrack to try to make sense of the scene, and you'll lose the spell you're trying to create.
- suggested resources -
First of all, I would personally recommend K.M. Weiland's book Structuring Your Novel to help you find your story's center and give it focus. For the grammatical issues, you can't go wrong with the Chicago Manual of Style. I would also suggest you read through The Elements of Style by William Strunk and E.B. White. Finally, you can get feedback on a lot of grammar and punctuation questions by searching a specific topic at the Purdue OWL.
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